I'm a private kind of girl.
- I'm 23.
- I can drive a car.
- I'm (kind of) financially sound.
- My obsessive love for Boy Who Took My Virginity is (mostly) over.
- I'm good at my job.
- I'm working out (a lot).
- I have a laptop.
I've actually been really pessimistic and grumpy lately, and this list makes me feel like I've been overreacting about a lot of nothing. Hmm.
It'd be so nice to have time for Livejournal.
Or to have a computer.
I'm really busy with work and school and that's about all that's going on.
Ummm, go Saints?
I started my job on Monday and it's a lot of fun so far. I'm very busy and have a lot of responsibility, but it's all really good. It feels better than mindlessly selling lotions for hours, so that's nice. The kids are wonderful. Even the "problem" ones, I see something sweet and meaningful in them all. I feel very motherly at work, basically. I can't wait to be more comfortable and in the swing of things so I really can feel completely comfortable there. But so far everything is headed in that direction, so I can't complain.
I start school on Monday, which will complicate things a bit. I'll pretty much be at work until 4, and then rush home, maybe change or eat something, and go to school until 6 or later on some days. It's going to be tiring, I'll see how this next week goes. Last semester ended pretty well; a B in Government (idk how I pulled that off), a B in math, and a C in Psychology. I don't even care about the C, I'm just glad to be done with it. Online classes are SO not my thing. So this semester will hopefully go smoother.
Other than school and work, things are a little rough. Mostly because I miss Kermit. A lot. I've been thinking about him more and more this past week, and it got a little unbearable two nights ago so I messaged him on Facebook and asked if we could talk soon. Not about "us", or what happened, or anything like that. Just talk. About his life, my life, sports, the weather, I don't even care. I just miss talking to him. I really, really screwed up this time. Maybe I just want to tell him that. I'm sorry, I screwed up, I'm a crazy girl, be in my life again. I push and I push and I push and I think this time I just pushed too hard, pressed too many buttons, stepped over that line and now this is what it's gotten me. Silence.
He hasn't answered my message. Maybe he won't. Maybe I actually will never speak to Kermit again, this time for real. We've always started talking again after our stupid fights in the past, but this time it's different. I'm not his friend on Facebook anymore, he lives in St. Petersburg, and it's looking like he's dating Devki for real now. So I keep telling myself to hope for the best, but prepare my heart for the worst. I might have to seriously erase this ridiculous fantasy in my head of he and I being together someday, because reality is going to punch me in the face soon and it's going to hurt like hell unless I brace myself for it. I don't know. I'm gonna call him this week, I think. God, I know I sound desperate and lame and he probably thinks that too, but I miss my friend. I'm okay with JUST being his friend. Not being anything is so much worse than being the platonic friend with the unrequited love. I know it shouldn't be worse, but it is.
I can't explain to anybody how I feel about Kermit, no one really gets it. All of my friends hate him, so they're pretty much the LEAST comforting people to talk to. But they don't really know him like I do. I feel like I've seen and I know a side of him that he doesn't bring out often to other people, and that's the part I'm in love with. The abrasive, crass, egotistical womanizer is part of his public persona (and honestly it's pretty endearing to me too), and I accept it because I love him for who he is. I wouldn't change anything. If he was different he wouldn't be Kermit, and he wouldn't be the boy I fell for. I like how selfish and demanding he can be, and how he'll tease me with a smile on his face and I'm too enamored by him to even get mad. I can tell when he's joking or being serious and when he's mad or just grumpy because he's sleepy or hungry, and I can tell when he's serious about never talking to someone again, and I'm terrified that's where we are. I feel like I realized too late what I love about Kermit--everything about who he is. I kept trying to turn him into some perfect boyfriend who'd take me to dinner and be sweet to me all the time and not find any girls sexy but me... and that will NEVER be Kermit, no matter who he's with. I spent so much time being sad and upset about him gallivanting with other girls and not making time for me, when I should have realized that he's never going to WANT to make time for me and turn his back on other girls to only see me when I'm making such a fuss about it. I think that if I accepted Kermit's character as it is, at this moment, as a 23-year-old male, I wouldn't have chased him away. My control-freak tendencies came out and he called me out on it, and was right. Now I'm doing damage control, trying to salvage something, and it might be too late.
Every time I fall in love, it becomes a little bit clearer to me what love really is. The first time, I learned about the all-encompassing emotion that clues you in to the fact that, hello, you're in love in a big way. Not finding any other male attractive, wanting to spend all of your time with this person, the desperation in the pit of your stomach when you feel it slipping away. I got heartbroken and thought I'd never get better. But I did and now I can chalk my first foray in the land of love up to life experience. This time, I learned that loving someone is more than being obsessed with them and having serious lust toward them. It's accepting their flaws and realizing it's those flaws and the things that make you different from them that make you love them in the first place. Kermit and I are opposites, yet really alike. It's bizarre, and I could write three more paragraphs comparing and contrasting the two of us, but I'll spare whoever may be reading this. The point is, I realized that I don't want to change Kermit; I love who he is, how he is, and who he's going to become as he gets older. THAT is love, and that is why I can't give up on him. I love him, and until I don't anymore, I'm going to keep trying to be relevant in his life. Call me naive, strong-willed, pig-headed, stupid, whatever. I'm learning.
Okay, going to bed. This was supposed to be a quick update, but.... that was a failure. Oh well!
So I feel a little more cheery than I did in that last update. By a lot. I haven't talked to Kermit since then, which I guess could be seen as a good thing, but I still kind of miss him. Oh well. He hasn't tried to contact me so I'm going to follow his lead. Whether he hasn't contacted me because he actually doesn't care to, or because he thinks i don't ever want to speak to him, I don't know, but either way I guess the space is good. I think I'd like to be his friend again when I can actually say that I only see him as a friend, but until then it's just too hard. I keep having dreams that we're working at BBW again or I run into him downtown or at Devaney's or something. Unexpectedly running into him would be BAD, since I'm fairly certain he'd have Devki with him or some other Flavor of the Week. If I'm not okay enough to hear his voice without feeling hopeless again, I'm definitely not prepared to see him with another girl.
God, enough about Kermit. He's been dominating my life so much, for so long. Just want to be free of this weight.
School is going okay. Umm, got dropped from my Speech class because I didn't do two of the speeches. Whooooops. Yeah, I suck. I'll just have to retake it, on campus this time. I just hope it doesn't negatively affect my financial aid. Other than that, I'm doing pretty well. Getting A's on my tests in Psychology and Math (?!) and I'm squeaking by in Government so that's good. I have a term paper on Affirmative Action due on the 29th, same day as a test, so I need to really remember to do both of those unless I feel like getting dropped from Gov. too. I don't.
Next semester will be more fun for me, I think, even if I'm going to be A LOT busier. Want to know my schedule? Here it is!:
Monday: Work - 8am-330pm. Class - 7pm-815pm. (Math)
Tuesday: Work - 8am-330pm. Class - 530pm-945pm.(Humanities, Contemporary Lit)
Wednesday: Work - 8am-330pm. Class - 6pm-815pm. (Math + lab)
Thursday: Work - 8am-330pm. Class - 530pm-645pm. (Humanities)
Friday: Work - 8am-330pm. No school! Drunken shenanigans/BBW?
Saturday: Drunken shenanigans/BBW?
Sunday: Drunken shenanigans/BBW?
In a nutshell. Plus whatever extracurriculars I try to squeeze in. Oh, and I have an online Creative Writing/Advanced Composition class, too. That rounds out my 12 hours for Spring. So yeah, I'll be busy, but I'm happy about it. The last time I was busy like this, I had money and lost weight, so I'm stoked. All of my professors are supposedly awesome (according to ratemyprofessor.com), including my Humanities professor who, I've read, is very attractive. NICE.
Looking forward to brighter days starting in January. If I can make it through December and the holidays without jumping off a bridge, I think I'll be alright. But it's a long month.
- hearing:La Gaga
Okay, I have an audition Sunday morning and I wish I had the focus to actually sit down and memorize both contrasting monologues but I'm totally slacking. Fuuuck. My first one is pretty solid, it could use some more work to really imprint it into my brain and make it second nature so I don't have to worry about blanking out in the audition room, but the second one I've barely glanced at. Luckily, it's kind of short and easy, so it may not take as long as the first one to master. I'm hoping, anyway.
The audition is for a student film at UCF, some senior thesis thing, I don't know, and it's a horror film. So basically, it could be really awesome and fun, or completely grueling and heinous and turn out to be a shit film. We'll see. If I do get it, either way it'll chalk up to experience. The audition, too, this is one more audition under my belt. The last time I memorized a monologue for an audition was for Theatre Downtown like two years ago, and I bombed it so completely, totally because of nerves. So I think this time I'm just going to go in there more self-assured and let the chips fall where they may. At the end of the day, this is one small audition out of the hopefully many many auditions I will do in my lifetime, and you don't get better at anything without working at it. I need to bomb a few auditions to learn how to ace one. So if I DO fuck up on Sunday, I don't think it'll rip me apart too badly. I'll just go to the next one, happy with the thought that I'll probably never see those people again and the people at my next audition won't know anything about how bad I did last time. So yeah. Self-confidence. And good acting. Always good acting.
I almost wish this was a musical horror movie, I always feel so much more comfortable when I get to sing. Plus, I'd be like a singing zombie or something, and that'd just be sweet as hell.
- hearing:Pussycat Dolls - Jai Ho! (You Are My Destiny) Feat. A R Rahman & Nicole Scherzinger
So, I'm sick.
Full-blown head cold sick. Yeah, fuck my life.
So I have the whole not-being-able-to-sleep-because-I-can't-breathe thing, the bright red, stinging nose thing, weird pressure in my ears, and the general feeling of shit thing, but that all kind of comes secondary to something I realized today.
I can't smell anything. My oils, my candles, my lotion, my shower gel, AND my creamy body wash, my awesome Optimisim sudsing scrub, or my Wexler face wash.
I'm PISSED. I seriously have to go to work today for seven hours, in a store--nay, TWO STORES--full of amazing delicious smells, and I can't smell shit.
Torture. Fuck head colds.
- hearing:[Title of Show] - An Original Musical
What did I used to update my livejournal about? I feel so boring right now. I do a lot of hanging out, working, and napping. I have a sore throat right now? Is that interesting? I may be getting sick? I don't know.
Man, I used to have a moderately entertaining livejournal, I think. I need to start spicing my life up again so I have something to write about.
Here's SOMETHING for you guys:
I'm singing a lot.
I'm pretty good at it.
I went to Disney with Rachel.
I had an amazing time and miss her so much already.
Diet Mountain Dew is God, and I feel foolish that I ever doubted it.
Rachel was right.
I haven't spoken to Tim in a month or so.
For the first time in my life, I'm okay with that.
Saw Debra the other night, and she's SO different, but also very the same.
Which are both really good things. <333 her.
I am addicted to Twitter.http://twitter.com/audreytaylor
<< You're welcome to follow me if you'd like to read a bunch of my random thoughts I have while I'm sitting at my computer. I update it a hell of a lot more than I update this thing, that's for sure.
I clipped my nails, so now I can use my keyboard with ease. Huzzah! I can also type in my code at work and use the register, and also click the lock on the bathroom door way better than I could before, and also with a lot less pain.
It's sad when your nails are inconveniencing your life, and you are too vain to just chop them.
Skins is so epic and amazing every episode. Tonight's episode is currently downloading and I am trippin'. This is gonna be a good one.
Luke Pasqualino, get in me.
Sexy Picture of Ze Day:
I would love to be in that sandwich. All day long.
- hearing:Adele - Hometown Glory